Coffee With E

I Thought I Knew My Worth… Until I Learned the Difference

• Erica Rawls

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Erica Rawls sits down with Dr. Taylor Bryant, a forensic psychologist, to talk about the difference between self-worth and self-value, and why it matters. They talk about how trauma affects confidence, why people settle, and how to set boundaries that protect your peace. Whether you’re a high achiever or just trying to find yourself, this conversation is for you.

Dr. Taylor Bryan Socials:
IG: @dr_taylorbryant
Web: https://www.empressevolve.com/

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Erica Rawls:

Hey ladies, welcome to episode 29. I had the ultimate pleasure of sitting down with none other than Dr Taylor Bryant. She is a forensic psychologist who has brought the heat for this episode we're going to be talking about, and she defines so eloquently the definition and the difference between self-worth and self-value. We go in deep y'all on some really hot topics. We're going to dissect self-worth versus self-value. You ready, let's dive in. Dr Taylor Bryant, you are in my seat again. I'm so excited to have you here to chat.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Thank you so much for having me again. I was so excited to come and see and have another conversation with you.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, oh my gosh, yes, yes, under the new brand, and all the good things, yeah, all the good things. So when you and I actually spoke, honestly, it was like a couple of days ago and we were thinking about OK, so what exactly do we want to bring to our audience this time, our audience this time? And because you are trauma specialists, right, I think it's important first with the people, just to give them an idea of who you are, okay, right, and then we're going to go into how we're going to impact them this morning over coffee chat. All right, sounds good. Yes, yes, dr Taylor Bryant.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

So a little bit about me is I have a background in forensic psychology and what that basically means is it ties in law, psychology and crime. It helps me understand behavior and the why people do what they do and help explain that to others who are just like why would somebody behave that way, show up that way, act that way or do that to that person? I've always been curious of that, ever since I was like 15, 16 years old watching SVU with my mom. Wow yeah. So that's what led me into the work that I do today with trauma.

Erica Rawls:

Oh, wow, that's awesome. And then, what would you say as far as, like, what do you enjoy doing the most? As far as who you help who?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

has the most interaction. I really like working with women who are mothers who've experienced trauma. So that adds like another layer to it, because who you are as a parent in general it shows up. Your trauma can show up through that and how you raise your kids, how you become overwhelmed or how you handle things when you're overstimulated. So I really appreciate working with a mom who kind of has that background of I've experienced something really difficult emotional turmoil and I don't want to pass it on to my child.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, I think what I like about you is you're very vocal. I watch you, like on social media, and you know how people go there and they want to give a sense of like I have it all together. I admire you because you just like hey look, I had a terrible day and this is why. Or hey, guess what? I just landed a great account. Oh, guess what? My daughter decided that she wanted to pee on the floor. Like, I love that you're giving it. So it's like getting to know you in real life, but it's on social media, so that's what I enjoy the most. So, yeah, that's why I like having conversations with you. Let's talk about what we said we were going to talk about. Ok, yes, so you and I had a great conversation 15 minute conversation. It was impactful, and we were talking about self-value versus self-worth, yep, and I wanted to share that with our community because it's really important. It's one of the pillars of this page, or my podcast and also YouTube channel, and I think it's important for people to understand it.

Erica Rawls:

A lot of people don't like to talk about it. They don't At all, so let's like unpack it if we can. Okay, I brought my suitcase. It's open, I know that's right. Okay, so I get on the couch, turn it down. Yes, so let's share the difference, because a lot of people think that they well, one. Let's define it, okay Self-worth versus self-value. How do you see it? How do you define the two?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

So self-worth more so looks at who you are. So, no matter what's going on in your life, you kind of show up and you know that you deserve happiness. You know you deserve for people to treat you with respect. You know you deserve good things to come to you. So self-worth is reflective of who you are and what you think about yourself. Things to come to you so self-worth is reflective of who you are and what you think about yourself. Now that can be thrown off by, like I was mentioning earlier, trauma, difficult relationships with people or your upbringing. So your self-worth it should be stationary, but sometimes you know it can go up and down like a roller coaster.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Self-confidence is more about what you can do. So, like you with this podcast or as a realtor, you know what you're doing. You've got a lot of skills. You feel confident when you're showing a house to somebody. It's about what you can do. Me as a therapist, I'm confident that I know I can help people through their trauma. I can show up for them and change their mindsets. I'm confident in that. But if you were to ask me to sell a house, my confidence would probably go like this because I don't have that skill set. So confidence is more about what you can do. Worth is more about who you are.

Erica Rawls:

I love that because I like to think that one of the things that I hold true to myself is living in I say it all the time living in my truth, right, yeah, and you do have to have the confidence to do that and you can't have the fear of not being able to, or putting someone off or dimming your light. There's so many different ways that you can go about it, but there's traumatic experiences that cause people not to have that sense of self-worth. Yes, can we talk about some of those things? Absolutely Okay. What are some of the things that you're seeing With self-worth?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

specifically, I see a lot of low self-worth when it comes to relationships. So I am introducing, with clients, a lot boundaries. It's important to have boundaries because boundaries teach other people how to treat you. Boundaries show other people that you have self-worth. When you come from a background of, let's say, domestic violence or physical abuse, you might learn that that type of behavior is okay. Love is somebody hits me. Love is somebody calls me out of my name. Love is this. So then you take that same belief into the relationships that you go into as you grow up and you believe that's your worth. I am worthy of that type of love. Oh, so you start to become attracted to those type of behaviors and other people because chaos is familiar, so you believe that it's called stuck points. What you believe in your heart is I don't have that worth or I'm not deserving of other things.

Erica Rawls:

This is what I'm doing, so what do you do Like? So how does someone recognize that they're in a state of chaos if they don't know any better?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I'm sure they may know. I always like to say it's about choice. And what are what are we aware of? What are we choosing to be aware of? What are we choosing to avoid? Sometimes in life, you know when something's wrong, which you don't do anything about it because, again, chaos is familiar and it's predictable. You know what comes next, even if it's not healthy for you.

Erica Rawls:

Hmm, OK. So, Dr Brown, I just want to back in a little bit more because I just think it's so. Is it a fear that's keeping them from making that choice to change?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

or, OK, the fear of the unknown. So when you think about undertaking something new, you can be scared. But putting it over to self-confidence, you're not confident in your ability to go out and try new things because you don't know about it yet.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

You haven't felt it, you haven't experienced it. You haven't felt it, you haven't experienced it, you haven't touched it. So when somebody is looking to go from a toxic or unhealthy relationship to something healthy, there's fear there. Because what do I expect? Well, I've never seen this before. What am I even looking for? This is unfamiliar, and some people fear that and they shy away from it for comfortability. They'd rather stay. What they know is coming next.

Erica Rawls:

Or they'll revert back to it, so they'll get out and they'll get into this healthy relationship and then, for whatever reason, they cause the chaos and it becomes toxic because they're just like OK, this is not familiar to me, yeah, and I've seen situations or people where they'll just want to start trouble just because it just feels that's just natural to them, absolutely.

Erica Rawls:

It just feels good to them. So then, as a person, when you're saying setting boundaries, like how do you set that boundary so it doesn't happen to you If you're the receiver of it, right, and you don't know it, it's normal, like how do you set that boundary? To say no.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I'm worthy of better. I'm gonna take a couple steps back. What you were speaking to. When you repeat the same cycle, that's called repetition compulsion. So it's like this compulsion to repeat in its subconscious which you already know.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

So once you become aware of that and you're moving to a relationship, let's say, with somebody who is still kind of a little bit toxic but you are now aware of this, is your pattern teaching them how to treat you. So the first time there is a fight and they want to disrespect you or call you out your name, you just have to say listen, let's go ahead and take a pause. I can see that you're clearly upset. I don't want this to go where I know it can go. Let's revisit this later. That teaches the person that they're not to call you out of your name or disrespect you and that space is needed and okay when we're not seeing eye to eye with things. If you don't do that and you allow an argument like that to ensue, that just kind of sets the standard for what's going to happen as the relationship progresses Right. So you have to protect your peace and create those boundaries.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

And people fear setting boundaries because they don't want to lose somebody the fear of loss, the fear of loss. I don't want to set this boundary and then my husband leaves me, or I don't want to set this boundary and I don't have friends anymore. But, like I mentioned earlier, boundaries teach other people how to treat you and if people do respect you or they see your worth right, they'll stay and they'll respect those boundaries you have.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, see your worth right, They'll stay and they'll respect those boundaries you have. Yeah, I want to take two seconds to share with you that this particular episode is brought to you by Rob Shaw and Allstate Insurance. If you're looking for someone to give you insurance, whether it's home insurance, car insurance go to him. He is your guy. Thank you, Rob, for sponsoring this show. So we hear people say respecting your boundaries and yet I don't think people understand. Like, what is an actual boundary? Can we talk about that? Okay, let's unpack that for a little bit. So what are boundaries?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Boundaries. There's all types of boundaries. There's emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, mental boundaries. Let's say you don't like being jealous. You would have to then open up and share with that person, like, hey, these are the type of things that make me feel jealous. So can we stay away from that, or can we steer the conversation in a different direction so that it doesn't happen to pull that out of me? That's having that respect, right. And there's like physical boundaries. I don't like when you're in my bubble. Yeah, I don't like when you touch me. Yeah, I don't like when you touch me. Yeah, that's physical, right. And then mental is kind of like that You're going to talk to me with respect. So those are the different type of boundaries that exist out there.

Erica Rawls:

Okay, so we have emotional, physical and mental boundaries yeah, and then we have to decide, like, how we want to show up in those different boundary sets yeah, and if we don't, then we're going to be feeling we more than likely we're going to have less self-worth. Yes, yeah, right.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Yeah, y'all, I got it. I got it, yes, and you know I like that. You mentioned that because if somebody is consistently crossing your boundaries and you allow it, that speaks to your self-worth and your self-value and what you think you deserve.

Erica Rawls:

Okay, okay. So then to the person that does not know how to set boundaries how are we doing this? How are we setting the boundaries? Let's talk about emotional boundaries first. Okay, how do we set emotional boundaries to protect ourselves?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I believe. First you have to spend time with yourself. What are my triggers? What makes me feel like I'm threatened, makes me feel unsafe? Well, it just makes me feel icky.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

You got to spend time with that and become aware whether it's your physical boundaries, emotional or mental. You have to. Awareness is key and then you can start to pinpoint where that happens in your life. And I'm gonna take it a little step deeper you can have different boundaries depending on the relationship with the person. So with respect to that, you have to decide how do I have this conversation with this person and then enforce that?

Erica Rawls:

Oh, okay, okay. So, and I had a thought when you said that and you want to step back. So now I got to think about what it was. Because that was really good, really good. Because I think a lot of times we're afraid to have those boundaries set up, right, so what if you don't really know yourself, right? A lot of people, I think we struggle with. Ok, so who are we? And we don't know, like, what boundary to set, because we're still trying to figure ourselves out. So I let's just say to the emerging, you know woman, right, because the people that are attracted to this podcast are probably similar, like us. You know we're go-getter, ambitious, yeah, you know what I mean. So, to the person that's the go-getter and that's ambitious, and yet it's like, okay, so what is my emotional boundaries? Like she's saying all these things like how, what, what are the steps I need to take, like to figure that out, like what are they?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

If you are figuring that out, I do mention like writing in the journal, trying to figure out what your triggers are.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

But if you're like a people pleaser and you're always wanting to do things for other people but it burns you out, there's a skill called no. But because you can, saying no is a boundary, saying no is a complete sentence. No, I can't do that for you, but sometimes for women like us, it comes with guilt, or it can come with shame, or it can come with they're going to think I'm incompetent or I can't handle all that. So you might be able to say no, I can't get that report to you by closing at 5 pm, but what I can do is have it on your desk by 9 am or tomorrow morning so you can offer an alternative If you want to do the thing they're asking you to do but in a different way. No, but that continues to help build your confidence and your ability to set those boundaries and then, as you're building your confidence, I feel like you can stand tall and start to see your worth. People will start to respect that.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, yeah, I know I would If someone said no, but Like, okay, I like that, yeah, you're able to say no and you're also able to put a standard on okay, I can't do it now, and yet I'm able to do it this time, right. So me receiving that from I'm just thinking from a colleague, a child, my child, my husband I'm like, okay, cool, I feel like I've been setting my place gently, yep, and they're standing up for themselves. So I respect you more for that Exactly.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Yeah, and that's what it is about. Respect.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Yeah, I think about my son. Mommy, can I have this, can I have that, and I no? But he asked me for all the time hot dogs. I said, son, you have to eat healthy. How about we do what? Did I offer him? A bean burger or something like that. So now he'll say that to me. He'll offer his choices, mommy, I know I can't have this, but can I have this? Like he's starting to think about that. So that's how you can set it up with your child too, and they start to understand boundaries and what comes next and what's acceptable.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Okay, it all starts in our childhood honestly how we grow up and learn our self-worth and value.

Erica Rawls:

Ooh, okay. Yes, Ben, I want to pause for one second because I had a question and I want to make sure I get the question, so we're going to take all this out, okay. Yes, oh, power and control, that's what it was. We were going to talk about that. Yeah, I was like there was something that we wanted to talk about, but did we finish with? I don't think we finished with the mental or the hold on emotional mental and physical.

Erica Rawls:

Yes, I think we should go into mental and physical, and then we'll go into the power and control as it relates to trauma. Okay, yeah, okay, all righty, okay, so thank you, dr Bryant, you're welcome. Yeah, I appreciate that. So let's go from the mental perspective. What are some key things that people can do to protect or provide boundaries to their mental state?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

provide boundaries to their mental state. That's a little bit more difficult than the physical, because it takes a journey through yourself to know what triggers you mentally or psychologically. If you have lived through difficult experiences or trauma, a lot of people will repress that, meaning they put it back so far that they can't even access it. But it comes out in their responses, through their emotions sometimes. What I mean by that is let's say, you grew up in a home where yelling and arguing was common. Okay, then you far remove yourself from that right and then you get into a relationship where maybe your partner is yelling at you and calling you names. So you react intensely to that because mentally it takes you back to that place.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Sometimes people don't make that connection because trauma is nasty and again people will repress as a defense mechanism for themselves. You have to spend a lot of time going through your past and realizing what is it that can really send me over, like phrases that people say. Maybe there's some phrases that remind you of a bad time in your life, things that make people make you feel like you're being disrespected. All those are some things to consider when it comes to mental boundaries, and then you have to communicate that. That's the difficult part.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, hey, I'm hoping you're enjoying this episode of Coffee with E. I had to take 30 seconds to share with you one of our sponsors for this episode, Top Construction. They are a premier construction company located in central PA, so if you live in Dauphin, Cumberland, Lancaster and Lebanon counties, you want to check them out. Not only are they reliable, they are reasonable and they get the job done. Now let's go back to the episode.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Ooh, this is good. People think communication is confrontation, so they'll hide it and they won't talk about it. They just assume if you have like a partner, let's go with that. They just assume that that person knows what you're thinking and that they should treat you this way. As we know, with partners you can be together for 25 years. They're not mind readers.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

They're not, but people will sit in their own comfortability and not, you know, stir up the coffee cup, if you will, to say like this is what I'm dealing with. I need to set some boundaries. It's uncomfortable to have those conversations and they think it's going to turn into a confrontation or conflict. Truths are difficult. Would you rather sit in that internal turmoil or would you rather have that conversation so that you're now respected and people know how to treat you?

Erica Rawls:

Okay, so to the person that has trouble or would rather not enter into what they think is conflict or, you know, confrontation, help them. How do we communicate?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Oh, there's so many skills. I wish I would have brought my little handy binder when you're going into a conversation where it could go left quick. There's something called source responsibility, so that means whatever you're feeling, put it on yourself, use I statements, so if I'm really upset by something that a partner is doing, I might say hey, you know, I feel really discouraged. When you call me this or when you say I can't do this, I feel really discouraged. And then you can have that conversation next about what you need. When you say you, you, you, you, pointing the finger, that makes somebody feel like they're at blame, even if they are right, but that makes them get defensive. And then, before you know it, the conversation goes left and we're walking away with hurt boundaries and for one of the parties, or maybe both, lower worth Right?

Erica Rawls:

So simple thing. Like you get on my nerves. That's not. That's something we should avoid.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I mean, sometimes you do get on my nerves. You can say I'm feeling really irritated right now.

Erica Rawls:

I'm feeling really irritated right now. I'm feeling really irritated right now. I want to work on that. I'm feeling really irritated right now. Okay.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I'm feeling really irritated because this conversation is going in circles. Can we figure out how to get it back on track? Okay, okay, you're putting it on you, the emotions. You're responsible for your own emotions.

Erica Rawls:

People can make you feel a certain way, but you're responsible with how you're going to react to it. Yeah, yeah, and that is true. That is true, and I think it's very common for when you're in conversations that you was like you did this, you do that, so it's just like a learned, a new learned method, if you will technique. Yeah, and it's going to take some practice. Oh my gosh.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

It's calledarning so I learned. You have to unlearn years or even decades of what has worked for you, because things work until they don't right right. You can take those, that old habit and that unpack, that suitcase I love that phrase that you use, because I use that too. You could bring that same baggage into a new relationship, but it's not going to be put back in the drawers accurately. If you catch what I'm saying, you have to figure out new ways to navigate. You have to unlearn your old ways.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, and then when you feel yourself about to, you got to self-correct and it's okay to say I'm sorry. You know what? It wasn't you, it was me. And, just being the bigger person, I think a lot of times that we don't like to do that, like no, you made me react that way, so it's your fault.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

No, what's easier to take accountability for something or to blame somebody else? Most people are going to say, yeah, blame somebody else.

Erica Rawls:

Somebody else, yeah Because you don't have to do the work, then, right? Yeah, my mom made me this way, or my dad made me this way, so this is who I am. No, no, you're 50 years old. What are you talking about? It's time to grow up.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I have a client now who I do family reunification and he's, I know, because the trauma that he's been through I can't, you know, divulge too much but he talks to his wife in a way that is very disrespectful, but he has this mentality of I have to be, this way to protect myself, like if I show that I'm big and I'm bad, that people will not bother me, but to her it just depletes her, it just significantly drains her. And she's asking me like, well, what do I do with that? Because, like, I don't want him to leave me. I'm like you have to show him that you deserve respect. You have to set those boundaries with him and say, listen, I love you, I'm not going anywhere, but also you're not going to talk to me like that. Yeah, Can we pause for a second? Yeah, I would have said that for a reason. What did you just ask me before that? I'm sorry. No, I forget. There's a point why I brought that up.

Erica Rawls:

There's a point why I brought that up. Oh, because I said that, yeah, yeah, it was about being a 50 year old. So, yeah, like you keep saying, well, my mom made me this way, my dad?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

made me this way.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, okay, great okay, I'm picking back up. Yeah, yeah, I love that you felt comfortable to stop it. See, look at this.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Stop, okay, we're starting okay so when we have those conversations in session, he's saying I, I, I won't, I can't, I can't do that, I can't put the language together like you're saying, I'm not gonna do it. And I say to him you can't or you won't, because it sounds to me like you won't and then he just pauses and he reflects and he goes well, that's, that's, that's how my dad was and I'm like there it is, so you can. You're just scared to start changing because you don't know what that looks like, it's unfamiliar, and it was kind of a breakthrough for him, as it was for her. So sure, you went through difficult things in your life, but you have the power to take all of that back and unlearn all of that trauma, all of those stuck points and beliefs, and move forward in newness, increase your confidence and increase your worth so that you can feel better in life or in your relationships.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, that is so good, so good. So that was a great segue, believe it or not, because power and control as it relates to trauma. So how does experiencing trauma impact one's self of power and control?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Trauma at the core and the very nature of trauma is a loss of control. Ok, repeat that.

Erica Rawls:

Dr Bryant, you were just dropping some jams.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Trauma at its very core is a loss of power. It's a loss of control. You feel helpless. You feel as if what could I have done to make this not happen? And that's where it starts. People will try to go back to the trauma and say, well, if I didn't text that person, well if I didn't leave at that time, well if I didn't turn down that street, if I didn't go to that bar, if I didn't wear that skirt. You know, there's a lot of victim blaming and trauma.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Then that wouldn't have happened. So when it comes to trauma, people will try to do what they can to now control the future and they will get stuck in similar situations and become unsafe in other situations because we're not thinking about safety over here, we're thinking about controlling that very situation from happening again, if that makes sense. So we see that a lot with trauma.

Erica Rawls:

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Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I want to give you an example. So let's say, somebody had a break-in into their house, right? Somebody broke in, so now they're focused on making sure the windows are locked all the time the back doors are locked, they'll triple double-check, right? Somebody broke in, so now they're focused on making sure the windows are locked. All the time the back doors are locked, they'll triple, double check, right. But then they're going out to the bars and, you know, overindulging in alcohol and not paying attention to their surroundings. So it's still danger, you know around. But we're only focusing on the one thing, because we're trying to control that from happening again, not thinking about how am I unsafe in other ways? Right?

Erica Rawls:

right. So then, working through that is going to be talking to someone like yourself is what I'm hearing you say and just like, okay, you just have to release that control, knowing that, okay, yeah, that was that one incident that happened, but that doesn't have to be your life.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Absolutely.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, and take notice of all the surroundings in every situation, right to keep you safe as much as you possibly can.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

And one thing too is when I'm dealing with somebody that has some stuck points or some beliefs around state safety or that power and control is looking at the probability of something happening. So if somebody broke into your house you become so fixated on that not happening again, right, but what's the probability of that happening again? And when you can have that conversation, of course, dig a little bit deeper and make the connections for the client, you start to see the probability of somebody breaking into my house again is fairly low, yeah. Or the probability of engaging in or being assaulted again is probably very low. But once those things happen to you, it's hard to let go of that thought that it's going to happen tonight again, yeah, or it's going to happen next weekend, or it's going to happen at this point. So people will over control things to in their mind stop it from happening ever again.

Erica Rawls:

So could the same thing affect someone that didn't actually go through it, but they saw it on the news or in social media. I was thinking that because the first, when you were talking, the first thing I thought about was just recently. All of these plane crashes, yeah.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Right, I'm so glad you mentioned that, but yes, yeah.

Erica Rawls:

So people are now afraid to fly because of all of the you know, the news media like this being like I don't know, like they're magnifying it. And it just so happened that, yeah, you know, planes do crash. So I caught myself. If I'm being honest, I had to go away twice this month. I'm thinking oh gosh. And the one before is when they just had the accident I forget where, but it was fairly close. I'm thinking, oh my gosh. Ok, what was the in Arizona? Yeah, yeah, what was the airline? Yeah, because I was like, ok, let's try to avoid that. And I caught myself like, no, erica, you can't have fear. You can't control everything. You know I can pray, you know, ask God to cover, have his angels of protection surrounding all around me. That's all know or are associated with, and it can have the same impacts as if it happened to you.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I just had that conversation with my husband actually earlier. We're waiting for something to come in and then we're going to take a nice little vacation, yes, and for our seven-year anniversary in August. And I said to him do we want to go somewhere drivable? Because I'm a little bit nervous. But when I pause to challenge myself a little bit, I'm like, okay, well, what is the probability of this actually happening? What is the probability of it actually happening? And plane crashes are, rather they're rare. And when you look at the statistics, I want to say only I don't want to say only that minimizes. Last year there was like 1,200 plane accidents. But how many planes fly every day? More than 1,200, right, so accidents are going to happen. That's something that's outside of our control, but what's the probability that that's going to happen all the time? And when it comes to social media in general or the news, they're only showing you what's popular, yeah, fear-mongering. So you have to be wary of that too.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Right now the focus is plane crashes, so I'm pretty sure we're going to see a lot of that over the next couple of months.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, 100%. And then just the executive orders. In itself, too, that's causing despair for the government workers. So, yeah, yeah, causing, you know, despair, yeah, for the government workers. So, yeah, yeah. So to those people right that are going through that, that's that could be traumatic, absolutely. So what are some things that you would say to them as far as how to get power and control back into their life when it comes?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

to the planes or just in sushi.

Erica Rawls:

Vicarious trauma all over Yep or the government workers even too. What they're going through too. You know what I mean.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

There is a skill that I like to introduce and that is what is the evidence? You have to challenge the evidence and what's happening in your life. So if you have a thought such as I'm not safe, let's first pause and look at the evidence that supports that. Where are you at? Oh well, I'm in a nice, beautiful home right now and it doesn't seem like there's any danger around, so I feel okay. Then you have to go through the evidence and say well, what is the evidence against that? There's no active trauma happening or anybody trying to break in. There's nothing like that happening. And when you can pause and sit back and see the truth, then you can start to feel safe. Then you can start to feel like I can take control back over this situation.

Erica Rawls:

So what is the evidence, the support, how I'm feeling?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Yes, got it Okay, and I want to put a pin in that really quick, because that's a cognitive distortion, emotional reasoning. Sometimes our feelings feel true. Yes, they do, but our feelings are meant to come and go, like the ocean, like waves. But for people that have experienced trauma, those emotions will come in and freeze, so much so that it becomes beliefs for us and we start to feel like our feelings are valid. I'm sorry that our feelings are valid are true. Oftentimes it's not. Yeah, look at the logic. Wow, yeah, there's lots to unpack there too.

Erica Rawls:

There is a lot to unpack. Good Lord, good Lord. Okay, so we want to go back to self-worth a little bit, versus the self-value and how it affects our life choices, but I think we hit on it a little bit, so I'm just going to ask the question directly. So what are some common ways? Low self-worth shows up in our day-to-day decisions, even when we cannot recognize them, the inability to make a decision.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

So like second-guessing yourself, not feeling like you're worthy of certain things, not feeling like you're good enough, feeling like an imposter we talked about imposter syndrome before. That can show up in your daily behaviors with things. Even if your partner says, hey, what's for dinner? Oh, well, let's go to Chick-fil-A. Well, actually, how about we go to Olive Garden? Well, I don't know. The indecisive is that can show up.

Erica Rawls:

Really well, I don't know. The indecisive is that can show up Really, yeah. So not being able to make a decision like where you want to eat for dinner could potentially be a sign of low self-worth.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Because it can be attached to those stuff points that you have of I'm not good enough or I always make the wrong decision or I can't trust my decisions because in the past I've picked wrong or ended up in bad situations that harm me. And it takes a lot of inner work and also sitting down with a professional to uncover and see this happening, you know, right in front of your face. But for people that don't get a therapist or are not doing that self-exploration, that's kind of a sign where you can see like, huh, maybe something is going on there, especially if you have a history of trauma.

Erica Rawls:

Wow, okay. So then, how does the low self-esteem or self-worth affect like relationships and your career choices and your relationships Like, how, how can you see those signs? Like, where do you see those signs?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

I want to make this super basic Settling, settling, oh my gosh.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

So some people that have low self-worth will tend to settle for things that they know like I could go for that, but I don't want to fail. Or I'm not good enough, or somebody else is better when they're fully qualified for it, or I want to go for that person that I'm interested in. But you know this person here is available and you know they take me on dates every year, every night. They sure they they're mean to me, but you know they still show me love in this way.

Erica Rawls:

Settling Wow you settle for what you think you deserve, yeah, and here we think it's so complicated and it's just settling, so don't settle. Don't settle, yeah. Just in case you don't know, these episodes are brought to you and funded majority from my real estate team, the Erica Ross team. So thank you for continuing to support this channel. And if you're looking to sponsor in any way, one of the best gifts you can give us is a referral. And if you're looking to sponsor in any way, one of the best gifts you can give us is a referral. So if you know anyone that's looking to buy or to sell, reach out to us. We are here to help. So to the person that seems to have a lifetime of settling, how do you change that?

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Inner work. There's so much more that goes to that, but taking some time, which is very uncomfortable. A lot of people don't want to be alone, they don't want to sit in the silence, they want to fill it with noise, they want to fill it with chaos because they don't want to reflect on the things that they've been through in their life. Painful it really is. But you I mentioned earlier choosing your difficult. Do you want to stay in the settling? Do you want to stay unhappy, or do you want to, because that's difficult, right? Or do you want to do the work to actually see that you're worthy and you deserve so much more and there's a life of happiness on the other side? Do you want to stay in the difficult? Do you want to stay in the difficult, wow? Or do you want to go into the challenges to get outside of that difficult? Because it's both difficult, right, right. Which one is more uncomfortable with?

Erica Rawls:

probably the staying, even though it feels familiar yeah, and it's going to be more traumatic in the long run by staying, yeah, so having the courage. So you need the courage to make that change, so you don't settle absolutely and then, with courage, you have courage. You have to do some work. You have to do some work on yourself in order for you to be able to have, you know, the capacity to make that change, whatever is necessary for you to live your true self.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Yeah, I think a lot of people growing up, and especially in society, get the message that you have to do more, you have to be a certain way, you have to show up a certain way, and that dampens a lot of people's self-confidence, because they feel like they don't have the skill to do the thing that's being required of them or the vision that they see for themselves.

Erica Rawls:

Oh, you are dropping so many gems today. Like seriously, like this is really really good. Sorry, I got excited, I just ruined the whole your whole momentum. Go ahead, continue, yeah.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

But that what society thinks about you and what other people have said to you. It can be the voice that's going on in your head telling you you can't do it, You're not good enough. It impacts your confidence to do things. But if you are confident in who you are, no matter what's going on around you, you know you deserve happiness, you know you can do it, you know you can achieve it. You should be able to then go out and get what you deserve and stand on that. Yeah, On business, Stand on business. That's what self-worth is. You're standing on who you are.

Erica Rawls:

Here's the thing you made it so simple. Right, you really did. You made it so simple. Just, we make it complicated. We think that we have to be dramatic in order for us to have a podcast. We have to be at the Oprah level before we do it.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Yeah.

Erica Rawls:

We just make it overly complicated. So just to hear you say that you don't have to have it, all right, you don't. In order to start, you're going to learn along the way, and that's the most important part, that's the most Learn early.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Keep on doing it, you know along the way, and that's the most, that's the most, it's the journey. How much confidence do you get in going through nothing, experiencing setbacks, experiencing failures? Because when you experience that, then you have the confidence to know when it comes again. Because when not, if right that you can overcome it. I remember doing trauma therapy with a young girl who's 16 a couple years ago. She's 23 now and she reached out to me and said she wants to be a psychologist now too.

Erica Rawls:

Oh, that's so great.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

And she was like you know, but I still I still have this trauma I'm dealing with and some new things that have happened to me. I'll never be able to do what you're doing. I said, girl, that's not true. I said your experience, plus the education you'd have to go through to become that like you can sit in front of somebody and know exactly like emotionally and mentally, what they've been through, I said that's an added little razzle dazzle there.

Erica Rawls:

Most people want to sit in front of somebody that has a similar experience over the education.

Dr. Taylor Bryant:

Not to like downplay education, but like still, sometimes experience is what builds your confidence and your ability to know what's going to come next or how to help somebody. That's right. That's right.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, you serve the people that you serve the best of the people that are just like you. Yeah, and I'm trying to remember there was a quote and I cannot think of it. It was similar to that, but it was it's. It's serious about what you're saying. That it really is. Yeah, the people that you can serve the best are the people that are going through what you went through, absolutely yeah.

Erica Rawls:

I believe so. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, this was so great. We have to have you back. I will come back. I love this. Yes, we have to have you back because I think this is great. Okay, so, watching from home drinking your coffee, or you're on your way to work, when you get a moment, we need to hear from you. We want to hear some comments. What did you think? Did you find value in this? Do you feel more confident in yourself? Are you able to actually get to a point where you could evolve, where you just don't even care about what other people think, because yourself, you believe in your self-worth and you know you have self-value? Are you able to set those boundaries that we talked about, whether it's emotional, mental or physical boundaries those are so important for you to live the life that you choose. We are rooting for you and can't wait to see you in the comments.

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Erica Rawls

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